Houston: Cable Guy
by Kaffe Kane
Summary: The complement to Samus: Apprentice Hunter. It's the life of Houston before his first mission with Samus Aran.
1. Funny Bunny

This fan-fic is one half of a prequel to the greatness of John Morey and  
  
Blake Wales. It is the side of the story that involves Armstrong Houston.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Houston: Cable Guy *A Sailor Moon Parody, starring Houston!*  
  
Chapter 1 - "Funny Bunny"  
  
It was another slow day for Houston. He had no big missions on his agenda,  
  
and his apartment was in its usual state of (SLOB!) condition. He didn't  
  
care about that, though. He wanted to get enough money for this month's  
  
groceries.  
  
"Damn, being a bounty hunter stinks. No real activity from the pirates,  
  
no big criminals to bring in...the usual garbage about Schneider...it's  
  
all old news. Hmm..." Houston looks at an interesting article about  
  
a temp company. "Always have positions available, huh? Need construction  
  
hands, eh? I could do that. My Power Suit's got a Welder Beam on it,   
  
aaand...I'm the guy they need!" He poses triumphantly in his pink silk   
  
boxers with Dryden embroidered on them. "I'M A MMMMMMONEY MMMMAGNET!!"   
  
He charges out the door and stops.  
  
"Oh...wait. First, I need my Power Suit!" He rushes back in after slamming   
  
into the door.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
"WHAT?! You mean to tell me that I CAN'T work like this?!"  
  
"Yah. We get too many bount-ee hunters look-a for work, and we tahn-em-all   
  
dowwwwwwn." The alien at the counter for registry points with what looked   
  
like a thumbs-down movement. "You gotta know aboat whatt-a happen to the   
  
Samus-girl, yah?" Houston looked at the alien quizziacly. Who was this   
  
Samus-girl?  
  
"Who is this Samus-girl you speak of?" The alien motions with it's four arms   
  
partly flailing.  
  
"She-sa nutcase! Blows-en up a restaurant cause of-a secrit society   
  
k'nection! She-sa kahnspirocy theorist!" Houston draws a blank.  
  
"Conspiracy theorist?" The alien nods.  
  
"Yah. She-sa sain da Chairman Keaton was cozee witt-a Nat-zees centur-eez   
  
ago! He-sa gotta Hitler complex, she-sa sayin'!" Houston leaned on the   
  
counter.  
  
"Well...it is a little true. He's just as much an oddball as her. They'd be   
  
perfect together." The alien laughs.  
  
"HAW-HA-HAW! You-is funny! Them two an item! Why, Hah-dee wouldn't   
  
halve it!"  
  
"No...he'd quadruple it." The alien howls in laughter. He probably made   
  
some needed headway in the contacts department.  
  
"Hey-ey! You-is getta kahmedy job! You-is too funny to stay-a here! By tea   
  
way, mine name is Kocha Ruge! You gett-a change outfits, and go-en to...  
  
ahm...Fahny Bahny Kahmedy!" Houston panics. This is a big odd job, even  
  
-if- he is a bounty hunter.  
  
"Funny Bunny Comedy?! That's a little ritzy, I got nothin' to wear for it!  
  
Besides that, I hope I don't screw up..."  
  
"Don't wear-y, I got-ya. You getta paid reel good there. And throwin' a few  
  
t'matos at Keaton ain-ta gon-na hurt!" Houston gets a change of outfit and a   
  
ride to a place the size of a small theater with a neon sign of a rabbit   
  
laughing. He gets out of the limo and walks up to the entrance.  
  
Houston sighs and goes inside the door. "Here we go." He gets stopped by  
  
a bouncer who looks up and down him.  
  
"You fix cable?" Houston grins.  
  
"I could. After all, I'm kind of hurting for any kind of work." The  
  
bouncer recognizes Houston and takes the papers about his job from him.  
  
"Hmmm...you act last. Fix cable now. Give you 500 Credits." Houston  
  
whistles. Credits were a lot. 5000 dollars on the exchange rate. He  
  
didn't even have 25 cents on him. He followed the direction map that  
  
the bouncer gave him, going through the service passages to the transmission  
  
room, where the Internet TV, cable, and sattelite signals were recieved.  
  
While he worked on the cable descrambler, he had a thought about how much  
  
money he was being given for the work.  
  
'This bouncer must get paid real well, tips and bribes and wages. I  
  
could work here all the time, if I wanted to. There, all done.' He turns  
  
around to see the bouncer behind him. "Oh! Heh...I just got done."  
  
"Good. Your act next. Timing perfect. Five minutes, go." The bouncer  
  
tosses a small card at Houston, who catches it and briskly walks to the  
  
backstage. There he saw quite the audience. Keaton had a front table seat,  
  
and Hardy was somewhere in the back, eating sandwiches. He saw something  
  
that gave him a surprise: Adam Malkovich sitting next to Keaton.  
  
'Something big is trotting on. Otherwise a CO for the apprentice hunters  
  
wouldn't be near Keaton. H-hey! That's Locuthis Schneider! Who's he with?'  
  
He looks at a small blonde-haired girl, definitely younger than 18. She had  
  
a look on her face like she was going to murder Schneider at any second now.  
  
"Now that would be a comedy act..." Houston mutters under his breath.  
  
"Speaking of...I've got no jokes right now. Wait. Hardy can get poked fun  
  
at and still not care...most of the time. I've got it." Houston dons a  
  
fruit lady dancer's dress and fruit covered hat, and grabs a couple of  
  
maracas. "This'll knock 'em out."  
  
"And now...Armstrong Houstonnnn!" Houston immediately jumps out of the  
  
curtains and trips on the dress skirt. Sure enough, everyone begins to  
  
laugh...even Keaton and that blonde girl.  
  
"Ow...uh...excuse me for a moment, while I recompose myself." Houston  
  
ahems a couple of times and speaks in a weird falsetto. "And now, for  
  
a song about everyone's favorite cop!" He shakes the maracas and a band  
  
begins playing while he dances. "EVERYBODY LOVES HAR-DY!!!" The song  
  
trails off as Keaton quickly loses interest and talks with Adam again.  
  
"You know, sending Samus on this mission might get her a little publicity.  
  
Other than the occasional news breif about her blowing up a Freemason lodge."  
  
Adam rubs his chin, leaning on the table.  
  
"There were other reasons for this, sir. She needs to learn to cope with...  
  
well, even our worst bounty hunters. After all, erm...this is getting very  
  
distracting with all the laughter. Shall we watch the act, sir?"  
  
"Fine." Keaton sighs. "We'll watch this goofball drag queen."  
  
"He's a healthy eat-er, and that's a 'fat'..." The blonde girl looks at  
  
the stage.  
  
"I guess I can tolerate asking you a question or two." Schneider looks  
  
at Samus with interest.  
  
"Fire away then, Samus." Samus brushes her hair out of the way.  
  
"Who the hell is Hardy?" Schneider's head slams on the table.  
  
"Who is Hardy?" He laughs at that question. "He's that fat guy over there.  
  
James Hardy, the Galactic Federation Chief of Security."  
  
"Oh, a cop." Samus rolls her eyes. "So, who's the joker on stage?"  
  
"Heh...Armstrong Houston, a bounty hunter. He's pathetic. Hardly gets  
  
work because he doesn't come to a CO for commissions, he'd rather they  
  
come to him. Have you even SEEN the condition of filth he lives in?"  
  
Samus squirms a moment. This guy was a slob?  
  
"Gods, I wouldn't wanna work with him."  
  
"Ah, changed your mind about working with Houston, have you? Well, then.  
  
I'd like to give you some information. Work alone or with me, it's your  
  
choice, but in the end, I'll always still be beside you." Samus slaps his  
  
arm.  
  
"Nice try, perv-guy." Schneider grunts and takes a sip from his water glass.  
  
And Houston sang on, to the cheers and laughs of the audience...  
  
---------------------------------  
  
"WHO-HOO! 25,500 Credits in total! What a rake-in! Not even a job with  
  
the Guild pays me that much! I ought to reconsider my career!" Houston  
  
continues with his spree of glee, obviously thinking about what to spend  
  
the extra money on. After paying his bills and buy a few months worth of  
  
foodstuffs, he moves his attention to his Power Suit.  
  
"What should I buy for this? Maybe some extra Missile Packs...Energy Tanks.  
  
No! Wait! Missile and Beam Upgrades! Yah! Missiles and Beams!" Samus  
  
peeks inside of Houston's apartment.  
  
"Oh, gods...what a mess. Worse than Ezzie." Houston turns to face Samus.  
  
"Who's Ezzie?"  
  
"My roommate. Game freak, uber-big-time."  
  
"Wait...Ezzie Watskirchan?"  
  
"That'd be him." Houston trips over a cord.  
  
"Shit! I've not visited him in a month! Never seen you around here, though.  
  
Maybe ya just were locked in your tidy little space of a room." Samus walks  
  
up to Houston and motions to punch him.  
  
"It SO happens that I have lived here for two years as an apprentice bounty  
  
hunter on Alpha Centauri Station! Now, if YOU think that Ezzie is as much  
  
of a mess-monger as you, you're sorely mistaken!" Samus looks at the sink.   
  
Piled with dirty plates. "He DOES do the dishes. And he vacuums the floor,  
  
when there isn't stuff all over it. It's my job to keep stuff off of it  
  
as much as I can while there."  
  
"And what do you do for rent and bills? And food??" Samus folds her arms.  
  
"He's got a steady job as a game designer. Works for Nintendo." Houston  
  
picks up some dirty T-shirts.  
  
"Ooh, big whoop. The oldest and best game company aside of SquareEnix."  
  
Houston throws the shirts into a basket. "It so happens that I'm treating  
  
myself to a clean apartment because I got me a big-ass lump sum of Creds,  
  
and you only get chump change with your job, if you can get one!" That  
  
stung Samus like a hornet's entire nest. She wasn't boiling at this guy  
  
earlier, but now she was, and hit him so hard that he toppled over the  
  
couch that he was knocked into.  
  
"SON OF A BITCH! Don't you DARE diss me! I've been trained to fight, and  
  
quite possibly for years more than you! You're just some filthy asshole  
  
who got filthy rich quick! And how?! By dressing up as the Chiquita Banana  
  
Lady and singing about Hardy! You are so LOW and RUDE!! I would never work  
  
with you on a bounty mission!" Houston struggles up over the couch.  
  
"FINE! I'm quitting the Guild soon, anyway! I'd HATE TO BE YOUR PARTNER!  
  
SOMEONE WHO WOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE SLEAZEBALL PUTTING UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT,  
  
JUST SO HE CAN TRY TO GET A PIECE OF YOUR ASS!" Samus walks outside the door  
  
and it closes, then punches it, causing a large dent in the door. "...AAGH!  
  
She busted my ******* door! I can't get it open! Gotta call Hardy."  
  
--------------------------------  
  
"You know, I've never heard of her doing property damage that Keaton hasn't  
  
had to complain about. But, aside of that, you musta made her pretty mad,  
  
huh?" Houston sulks by the door.  
  
"Yeah, you could say that. Replacing the door is gonna take all my money.  
  
Dammit, she knew just how to make a hole in my pocket." Hardy nods.  
  
"She does that sometimes. I've seen her handiwork. She's really wild, and  
  
will jump on you the moment you insult her. Samus Aran. Her parents were  
  
killed by pirates, that's the official record. She was the only survivor."  
  
"Anything else?"  
  
"Yeah, joined the Bounty Hunter's guild at the age of-uhm...I think 10 or 12.  
  
She became an apprentice hunter not long after that. They say that she can  
  
take any job that most low-rating hunters won't even go for, and come out of  
  
them alive. Maybe not successful, but alive."  
  
"She's talented for an apprentice, then."  
  
"Yeah, her CO is Adam Malkovich. He's got her on a pirate hunt. It's about  
  
something curious, really. Icers hiring Mother Brain for something. You  
  
want in on it?" Houston looks at Hardy.  
  
"Well, Samus basically drained my cash reserve, why not? I've got a bounty  
  
job...for once." Hardy looks inside Houston's apartment.   
  
'Wow...what a mess...' "Uhb...Houston?" Houston grabs Hardy and walks away,   
  
grinning.  
  
"I know, Hardy...I know..."  
  
------------------------------------  
  
(Nah well, decided to close this chapter after all. I'll do Houston's  
  
superhero thing next chapter, so that both halves of the story are consistent.  
  
Ba-i!)  
  
Katri Mattrix 


	2. I AM CABLE GUY!

Chapter 2: "I am...Cable Guy!"  
  
Houston and Hardy were both headed to the Federation Headquarters office   
  
so that they could do a little research on the case. Not long after   
  
they had entered, did an officer report to them.  
  
"Sir? We have a situation. We have it logged on the navigation monitor  
  
of your truck. We've already sent a team, and they say that..." Hardy  
  
grabs a donut and looks at the officer.  
  
"Well? That what?" The officer turns away.  
  
"That...there were Space Pirates leaving the scene...followed by Ridley."  
  
Hardy stops from eating the donut before he even took his first bite.  
  
"We gotta go, Houston! You!" The officer turns around.  
  
"Yes, sir?" Houston dashes out of the door, and Hardy stops in   
  
mid-waddle.  
  
"Send a medical team, at once! If Ridley was there, I want few-if any-  
  
casualties!" Hardy continues to waddle out to his truck. He and Houston   
  
both speed off to the location marked. Hardy drops Houston off on the   
  
other side of the block. He then speeds away.  
  
"Well, looks like I'm going in from the back." Houston takes out a   
  
small cable wire fashioned into a circlet. "CABLE GUY CHANGE!!" He   
  
puts the wire circlet on his head and his outfit changes into a cable   
  
technician's uniform. He then dashes down the alley. Halfway down,   
  
he sees three men all encroaching on Samus.  
  
"Augh...not her. Oh, well. Gotta save everybody." Houston gets closer   
  
to the scene.  
  
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" The three men turn around. "I AM THE DEFENDER OF   
  
TV PROGRAMMING! I STAND FOR FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND UNCENSORED SHOWS!"   
  
Houston poses. "I AM...CABLE GUY!" He poses more. "AND IN THE NAME OF   
  
ALL THINGS TV...I SHALL PUNISH YOU!" Samus took the opportunity to run   
  
while these guys had their attention focused on Houston.  
  
"And why does an employee of a cable company get involved?" Houston gets  
  
into a low stance.  
  
"You...are going to regret the day you thought I worked for a cable   
  
company!" He reaches back and swings across air, stopping his arm in   
  
front of himself. A long cable wire strings out of his sleeve and wraps   
  
around the gun of the head of the three men. He pulls the gun away from   
  
the man and holds it in his other hand. "Ha. Looks like Agent Smith   
  
will soon be canceled on today's show!" He fires at the three men, who   
  
scatter across the alley and dash at Houston. The three men, much to   
  
Houston's disbelief, become nine men.  
  
"Aah! He knows multiplication! Wait a second...NASA CHANNEL: SINE   
  
WAVE!!" A bunch of sound waves ring out from Houston's cable hand at   
  
the nine men. They all cringe, and the duplicates fade. "It pays to   
  
know every TV show!"  
  
"AAAGH, the NOISE!!!" Houston jumps over the three men and dashes away.  
  
"Later, dudes! I've got a cop to meet!"  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
Houston rounded the corner and shortly after that looked at the entire  
  
scene in shock. In front of him, there was nothing. Absolutely not a  
  
single thing left...well, for the radius of a city block, anyway. He  
  
looked around at the rest of the street in front of the tavern. There  
  
were several objects melted down as though a giant blowtorch had hit  
  
the whole street. Cars, street poles, traffic lights, even people were  
  
burned to dust. He still looked around, his face screwed up in an  
  
angry horror. THIS was what Ridley was capable of?!  
  
'No...he has got to be able to do much worse. This was only an  
  
example.' Houston hears a shout behind him, fairly distant at first,  
  
but rapidly catching up as he turns around to see Hardy waddling up  
  
to him quickly.  
  
"Houston, it's awful! I didn't think that Ridley was that strong! He  
  
effectively let out a blast of fire that reached a mile down the whole  
  
street! And what about this?!" Hardy points to the disintegrated  
  
spot. "My God, it's so awful! It's worse than your messy apartment!"  
  
Houston swallows hard.  
  
"Yeah. Way worse...and to top it off, that's not the half of what I  
  
feel Ridley can do." Hardy lets out a little squeak and faints.  
  
"Uh...Medic! Hardy's passed out!" A few paramedics run by with two  
  
strechers. They load Hardy up onto both of them, side by side, and  
  
cart him away from the scene.  
  
"Thanks, he's seen enough." Houston nods. He knew it was what he  
  
said, so he adds to his gesture.  
  
"I think he's heard enough, too."  
  
-------------------------------  
  
Houston spent the last couple of hours cleaning up his apartment.  
  
The floor wasn't as loaded with garbage and dirty clothes, but he  
  
still had more to do, and dishes still needed to be washed. He so  
  
badly wished he had a cleaner system to maintain the place, but  
  
having a built-in Internet system was costly enough. After relocating  
  
the terminal in all the mess, he stares at it for a while.  
  
"...Why not? I'll just peek into Samus' history, and find out if  
  
the Space Pirates have a webpage...I'll do the page check first."  
  
Houston boots up the terminal and opens the browser program. He  
  
types in a search queue for the Space Pirates and finds several  
  
sites pop up on the listing while he busied himself with hacking the  
  
Guild to find out about Samus. He struck paydirt one way.  
  
Name: Samus Leah Aran  
  
Age: 14  
  
Gender: Female  
  
Rank: Apprentice Level 20 "20?! Damn, she IS good!"  
  
Biography: Attacked by pirates at the age of 5. Details  
  
unclear. Joined the Bounty Hunter's Guild at the age of 12.  
  
Has been reported to take several unsanctioned missions by  
  
a faction known as the 'Marduk Cult', lead by Agent Sumisu.  
  
Is currently on probationary measures due to illegal activity  
  
as a by-product of said missions.  
  
Houston looked at that. No wonder she was said to be a nutcase.  
  
The Marduk Cult was bad news, and it was crazy enough that Keaton  
  
hired them to be Alpha Centauri's 'Men In Black'. He continued to  
  
read.  
  
Current Mission: To eliminate a small party of Space Pirates   
  
that are searching for something currently unknown.   
  
Partner assigned: Locuthis Schneider  
  
Commanding Officer: Adam Malkovich  
  
Mission Commissioner: Chairman Habinazzah Keaton  
  
Reward: 150,000 Credits  
  
Now Houston was shocked. Schneider, Samus' partner?! A reward of  
  
150,000 Credits?! She just landed the biggest paying job that any  
  
apprentice hunter could dream of! It was insane!  
  
"I'll bet that most of her reward will be for not stepping out of line,  
  
and being able to put up with that sleazebag who gives the Guild a bad  
  
name." Just as he said that, he saw just what he wanted in his search:  
  
a Space Pirate manufactured webpage. "Now to hack this bunch of   
  
paydirt and see just exactly who Ridley's superiors are."  
  
Mission: We of the Space Pirates of Gamma Sector, also known  
  
as the Gammans, are on a crusade to rule the galaxy. Our great  
  
leader, Mother Brain, has given us the duty of finding an ancient  
  
relic. This job was recieved from the Marduk Cult. If any   
  
fellow activists of we Gammans know about anything ancient,   
  
please feel free to think about it. Mother Brain will know.  
  
Or, you can save yourself the brain stress and send a message to  
  
Kraid at bigfatlizard@msn.com, or Ridley at firedraco@yahoo.com.  
  
Page will be updated with our next mission from Mother Brain.  
  
-Webmaster Kraid  
  
Houston looked through the links to find the elites roster. He found  
  
it and looked through it, at one in particular.  
  
Ridley: Effectively our most powerful active lieutenant, capable  
  
of massive destruction producing fires so hot that they equal the  
  
energy emission rates of a nuclear fusion bomb.  
  
"So that's how he was able to disintegrate a whole city block."  
  
Also among his abilities are to use poisonous barbs on his tail,  
  
possessing a slow, yet cumulative poison that smothers the ones  
  
afflicted. His strength and powers are unnatural for a dragon  
  
of his size and age. We know nothing about his history, not  
  
even Mother Brain knows.  
  
Houston sat back, onto something weird. He turned around and saw  
  
Hardy holding the chair with his chubby fingers, grinning.  
  
"Ready to go back to Headquarters yet? I like what you've done with  
  
the place. It's easier to walk around now."  
  
------------------------------  
  
Houston followed Hardy and the others into his big office. Big, probably  
  
so he could have room to move without something falling over.  
  
Hardy clears his throat as he sits in his chair. "As Houston and I already  
  
know, Space Pirates caused a scene outside of a tavern in Sector 8-8A. When  
  
we got there, there were only three people left alive, and very badly burnt.  
  
The rest were all roasted to ash, and the whole scene was like a well   
  
contained bomb went off. Suffice to say, Ridley does mean business." Hardy  
  
activates a projector with pictures of what the area looked like. One whole  
  
block south of the tavern was gone. Nothing left standing. The survivors  
  
were grotesquely blackened and looked like they were already dead. Samus  
  
shuddered in horror. It was worse than her home, but in a small space.  
  
"Houston told me that Samus was attacked by three men dressed in black suits  
  
while she was escaping the other way. He distracted them and then escaped  
  
himself. I called Keaton a minute before arrival here and he told me about   
  
what all this happened over." On cue, Keaton enters holding the ME disk.  
  
Adam was with him, too.  
  
"Lady and Gentlemen, Exhibit A." Hardy clears his throat again.  
  
"This disk contains data about a history of Earth even far before Atlantis.  
  
Who created it, we don't know yet." Samus looks up at Hardy.  
  
"I have to ask...what are the AN.UNNA.KI? Those three MiB's said that they  
  
were looking for their homeworld." Keaton looks down glumly.  
  
'So, that is why...the Marduk Cult wants the ME. They want to find Nibiru  
  
and conquer it. But...why Nibiru? Why don't they look for a ME containing  
  
data about a nuclear weapon? Unless...the Anunnaki have developed something  
  
far worse. Sumisu...I will have your number.' "HEY!" Everyone jumps.  
  
Keaton darts his head around.  
  
"You all are going to be given a dangerous mission. One far more dangerous  
  
than dealing with regular ol' Space Pirates. You are to find the ME that  
  
has the data about the planet Nibiru." Keaton looks around again. "Now,  
  
to answer some of your questions, I have heard of Nibiru, the homeworld of  
  
the Anunnaki. I don't, however, know where it is, other than in the Solar  
  
System. It's orbit makes it normally unlocatable expect by those who have  
  
been there."  
  
"So it's imperative that we get that ME before anyone else?" Schneider asks.  
  
'Now I feel like a fool for what I have done. I have...made things worse.  
  
Serving the Marduk Cult...what side do I take?' Schneider shakes his head.  
  
'Of course. The side that pays more. So all I need to do is offer my help  
  
to them after finding out how much this pays from the Federation.'  
  
-----------------------------  
  
Houston was back inside his apartment, surfing the website that was made  
  
by the Gammans. He copies and pastes the web address for Ridley into  
  
his book, and then begins to type a message.  
  
To Ridley  
  
What you did back there was highly uncalled for. I thought  
  
that you wouldn't be up to the business of doing so much  
  
damage so close to a hotspot of arrestability. Either you've  
  
become much stronger, bolder, or both, but I still resent  
  
what you have done.  
  
On another note, I know about your hunt for the ME. You  
  
are doing this for the Marduk Cult, whom I believe has  
  
an interest in mind that confilcts with your own. What are  
  
they paying you to do this job? I'll petition for Keaton  
  
to double the price, if you have something we need.  
  
We need the ME that contains the data on the planet Nibiru.  
  
If you have it, or find it before us, consider the offer that  
  
I am trying to make to you. Please, don't foolishly leave us  
  
one step behind.  
  
At least do this for me. Save Solomon one last time.  
  
Solomon Aran aka: Armstrong Allsman Houston.  
  
After typing the message he sends it just before Samus arrives. She  
  
looks at the state of his apartment, still as unclean as he left it  
  
when Hardy showed up by surprise, and she enters.  
  
"...I'm sorry about your door. Look, it's just that you think that  
  
we don't get work all the time, I got mad because I felt that you were  
  
lying about me, and insulting me at the same time. By the way, do you  
  
need any help with cleaning this place? Ezzie's gone out to stay at  
  
work while I'm on duty, it keeps the apartment clean that way." Houston  
  
snapped his fingers.  
  
"Crap. I still forgot to visit him. Nah well, why not? You're doing  
  
dishes though." Samus gets a pang of irritation from Houston, but  
  
hides it behind a fake smile (that when I picture it so reminds me of  
  
Yuffie Kisaragi trying to stifle her temper).  
  
"Okay. I'll...do the dishes." 


	3. You've Got Mail

Chapter 3: "You've Got Mail"  
  
Houston checked his e-mail inbox the next day, having seen that Samus was  
  
already someplace else other than his apartment. He saw a message from  
  
a source he didn't expect. The handle name was not Ridley, no...there  
  
was no handle name.  
  
We regret to inform you that such a ME has not yet been located.  
  
However, we will consider this deal. Getting something from the  
  
Federation without attacking them is a convenience to us, but over  
  
such an object, we might have a different rationality over. We want  
  
information as to the conflict of interests between Sumisu and us...  
  
Mother Brain  
  
"Geez, can't this thing sound any more hive-minded?" He looks at the  
  
screen. Something began to continue to type the message. "Yow! Dis-  
  
tur-biiiing!"  
  
PS: Seeing as you have opened this message and read it, we will  
  
find this information on our own. Your mind cannot avoid being  
  
probed for this information. We have clearly passed any and all  
  
mental defenses, either there were none, or they were disabled by  
  
this message.  
  
Houston began to speak out to thin air. "The Marduk Cult wants to go to  
  
the planet Nibiru to gain an ultimate weapon of destruction, that if used,  
  
will cause the annihilation of the universe." He stopped, clearly having  
  
remembered what was coming out of his mouth. The message continued typing.  
  
We now understand the confict of interests. We understand that the  
  
ultimate destruction is not our aim, nor is conquest. We will accept  
  
pay at face value for the retrieval of this ME. No changes to the  
  
deal will be made. The Mother Brain has spoken on the behalf of all  
  
Gammans.  
  
The terminal suddenly powers off. Gamma Sector wasn't close to Alpha   
  
Centauri. It was well on the other side of the galaxy.  
  
'DAMN! Mother Brain must be uber-psychic if it can reach this far with its   
  
mind!!' Houston thought to himself. It was crazy, but he felt it was true.  
  
The data of his terminal was altered by an unknown, non-computorial source.  
  
This he found out when he turned it back on. He had also recieved his   
  
response from Ridley, too.  
  
I must say. You know, I have become more powerful than before, and   
  
I wanted to flaunt such new power. Don't think that you can sow your  
  
own animosity between us, I read your plea at the end of your message.  
  
*sigh* I will help, but only because Mother Brain ordered it. She  
  
thinks that we should trust those who are hotter on Sumisu's heels in  
  
aggression, rather than tip him off to us changing our mind. I've  
  
sent this message over a secure line, hopefully Sumisu hasn't hacked  
  
you to get it.  
  
I agree with your presumed 'conflict of interests'. The Marduk Cult  
  
has become fervent in searching for the ME. They had information as  
  
to where they all were, but they lost that trail quickly. I guess  
  
that some other people guard these ME, especially the ones holding  
  
knowledge that is potentially dangerous. You might want to start  
  
looking.  
  
After all, you don't know what I'll do to these guardians if I find  
  
them first. _O  
  
Houston turned around. He didn't see Hardy anywhere, nor did he see Samus.  
  
He quickly printed out the message and deleted it from his inbox. He didn't  
  
want anyone to know about his liasion with any Gammans. Especially not  
  
Sumisu.  
  
----------------------------------  
  
Hardy was filing through papers, holding a jelly donut precariously in his  
  
mouth, trying not to dribble anything onto them. Just then, he hears a door  
  
slam and someone shout "HARDY!!" He bites into the donut, causing it to fall  
  
out of his mouth and spatter on the files with cherry filling.  
  
"AAH! Keamum, fuh, I wuf biffi!" He looks at the door and sees that Keaton  
  
isn't at the door. "Huh?"  
  
"And then, he would say, 'eating on the job again, Hardy?!'" Hardy sighs.  
  
This was the first time that Houston did that to him.  
  
"Pho, Houphpon, uh you phoing phu phu phat agaim?" Houston looks at Hardy.  
  
"What?" Hardy swallows the bite that he had crowding his speech.  
  
"Are you going to scare me like that again?" Houston grins. That was   
  
Keaton's job, but he probably hadn't done that in a few days.  
  
"Maybe. God only knows that Keaton hasn't done it ye-" The door slams into  
  
Houston's back. Keaton suddenly emerges.  
  
"HARDY!!!" Keaton looks at Hardy holding the files covered with jelly donut.  
  
"So...eating again, eh?! I -could- have you fired; those are important  
  
documents that you ruined." Hardy looks at Keaton with a pouty face.  
  
"But sir, I dropped my donut on them because of-" Keaton waves his hand and  
  
sits in Hardy's chair.  
  
"Never mind! What is the status of--why is Houston here?" Houston waves his  
  
printed message from Ridley. "What is that?" Keaton grabs the paper and  
  
reads the message. He rubs his chin and looks it over again.  
  
"Well, I wanted to get a little extra hands on locating the ME before Sumisu,  
  
so..." Keaton leaps onto Hardy's desk and grabs Houston's T-shirt.  
  
"And the Space Pirates will actually ALLOW a deal with US?! I FORBID IT!!  
  
WE DON'T DO DEALS WITH PIRATES!!!"  
  
"I wouldn't call them that if I were you. I just had a real bad run-in with  
  
Mother Brain earlier this morning...and it was because I said that to her."  
  
Keaton looks above Houston at Samus.  
  
"SO WHAT?! I'M NOT AFRAID OF THEM! YOU JUST GET YOUR LITTLE PANSY BLONDE  
  
ASS OUT OF HERE IF YOU THINK I'M THE -LEAST- BIT SCARED OF THAT BRAIN IN A  
  
JAR!!!" Houston unplugs his ears.  
  
"Uh, sir? Can you either not yell, or please let me go?" Keaton throws  
  
Houston to the ground and hops off of the desk, pushing Samus aside.  
  
"Deal with pirates...feh..." He turns around to face them. "DO AS YOU  
  
DAMN WELL PLEASE! MY SUPERIORS WON'T HAVE IT! THEY WON'T SANCTION THIS  
  
MOVE, AND I WON'T EITHER! Your job's on the line, Hardy...SO YOU'D BETTER  
  
DO WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT...and RIGHT NOW!!!!" Keaton slams the door and  
  
the glass shatters out of it...as well as the other windows on the wall.  
  
Samus whistles.  
  
"Ooh, Keaton's mad. He must not have liked that." Houston winks.  
  
"All according to plan. Hardy, looks like your job was done before you  
  
could even do it. Now, alls I gotta do is get the money for us...and that's  
  
where another temp job comes in." Houston giggles evilly, and Hardy winces.  
  
"I hope it's not a comedy stream about me."  
  
----------------------------------  
  
(Houston's encounter with the Gammans leader, Mother Brain, is no less of a  
  
shock to him as it was to Samus, but it's odd to find him being a tactical  
  
mind for once. He's usually a brute, and a goofy wisecracking one at that,  
  
so I don't like much the serious turn in Houston's side of the story. I'm  
  
going to go back to Houston's lighter half of himself next chapter, as his  
  
comedy routine turns into the...rather ridiculous revenge of Sumisu and his  
  
agents. It's time for Cable Guy again, next chapter!) 


	4. Needs New Title

Chapter 4: "Agent Sumisu"  
  
Houston's arrangement with the Funny Bunny was already set by Kocha Ruge,  
  
this time he was going to be a main act, and that was worth a lot more than  
  
the last time. He had tried to think of a comedy routine by visiting the  
  
place with Samus and Ezzie the last few days, but couldn't think of anything.  
  
(Plus, the shows they had were REALLY awful.) The best he could think of  
  
was a re-enactment of a Blake Wales comedy duet featuring the Mario Brothers.  
  
And even that was horrible when he saw two Medras doing it.  
  
'Crap...crap...so very much mega-crap. Why is there nothing good here?'  
  
One of the patrons who was a regular sat next to Houston.  
  
"Hey, aren't you that guy that sang about Hardy about a week ago? That outfit  
  
was a killer. No one wore that in over a month. Say...I'll bet you're here  
  
to do research." Houston sat upright suddenly.  
  
"THAT'S IT!!!" He blurts out, causing everyone to look at him. "I just got  
  
my idea for tomorrow's main show, folks, sorry about the scare."  
  
"What's your idea?" Houston looks at the patron and raises his eyebrows.  
  
"Can you say...'Uncle'?"  
  
----------------------------------  
  
It was pretty weird to Samus, Houston's idea being that he wanted to act as  
  
"Uncle" from that Jackie Chan cartoon that Ezzie liked to watch. He wanted  
  
Samus to join in, wearing that fruit lady dress and hat, but she obstinately  
  
refused. His outfit for the act was simple enough, but looked somehow too...  
  
tight. He WAS quite a lot bigger than Uncle, but he didn't care.  
  
"So, you don't want to do anything to help, huh?" Samus grins.  
  
"I'll criticize for you." Houston facefalls. That wasn't what he had meant.  
  
He knew that his plan would more than likely Power Bomb, but it was the best   
  
shot he had, and a good lot more original than everything else. The money  
  
for their deal was riding on his success. "Seriously, why do a comedy   
  
routine? Why not perform somewhere else? You could probably ace the karaoke.  
  
I know your Ozzy Ozbourne singing is killer. Or why not we do a mission-in-  
  
mission?" Houston sighs.  
  
"You're an apprentice hunter, you can't legally accept double commissions.  
  
I...uh...well..." Samus shakes her head and walks to the internet terminal.  
  
"You're an apprentice still, too? What rating level?" Houston looks down  
  
at the floor.  
  
"No, I'm not an apprentice, but my rating is still shameful." Samus looks at  
  
Houston while turning in the chair to face him.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"...Rating level 2." Samus pauses a moment. She laughs to herself inside of  
  
her head. 2?! He should have had higher if he was in the Guild for so long.  
  
"Oh...right. You didn't get very many commissions. It's not laughable. Not  
  
laughable at all."  
  
"Liar. I know 70 people who have laughed about it. They were all targets on  
  
a hit list that I was given one mission. What's amazing is that I wasn't even  
  
able to attack a single one of them. I felt like some all-powerful force was  
  
watching 'em." Samus shrugs.  
  
"So you turned down that mission, eh? Why did you take it in the first   
  
place?" Houston sighs.  
  
"They're called the 'Matrix Dragon Gang'. A secret gamers ring. They have  
  
skills...and if they don't win, they cheat, they hack, they do anything.  
  
But no matter what, they win. And they can all fight, too. Especially the  
  
gang boss. No one knows who he is, but I have my suspicions." Samus lists  
  
a search on the Matrix Dragons. Houston walks over to the door. "Well, I'm  
  
going."  
  
"Good luck, 'Uncle'. May The Chi Be With You."  
  
------------------------------------  
  
"And now...Armstrong Houston!" Houston walks over to the introducer.  
  
*whap* "Ow!"  
  
"My name is Unclllllle!" *gong!* The people watching chuckle. "Now, who  
  
wants change of hairdo?" Several in the audience raise their hands. "Okay!  
  
I will add together beef ramen flavoring with melted Velveeta Chi...er...  
  
cheeze!" He mixes the two together in a small brass cauldron with a tiny  
  
flame underneath. "Hong Kong Hong Dong Who Hai How...Hong Kong Hong Dong Who  
  
Hai How...Hong Kong Hong Dong Who Hai How..." A small explosion occurs and  
  
the smoke wafts out into the audience. They all look around to see that  
  
nobody's hair was different...except for Hardy's. Instead of having deep  
  
navy blue hair that was around the back of his head and behind his ears,  
  
he had a huge white afro, with a Dr. Eggman mustache of matching color.  
  
"Say hello to Dr. Afro!" *gong!* Everyone begins to laugh, even Hardy.  
  
He had never been the butt of a joke like this before. Plus, he had hair  
  
on top of his head, something he was missing for 12 years.  
  
"I look like I'm something from the 1970's! Can you fix that?!" The laughing  
  
grows louder at Hardy's comment.  
  
Offstage, just behind the curtain, one of the Marduk Cult nods upward.   
  
Another of the agents aims a plasma pistol down at Houston. Hardy spots the  
  
man above Houston and bowls over the table that he sits at.  
  
"HOUSTON! DEATH FROM ABOVE!!!" The agent fires at Houston, who deftly side-  
  
steps the shot and takes out his cable circlet.  
  
"CABLE GUY CHANGE!! *transformation* Alright, you Agent wannabes, your  
  
program's been changed to a new time slot! I am...Cable Guy! And on behalf  
  
of cable TV, you're punished!" At the back of the audience, hidden by a  
  
cloaking enchantment, a humanoid being watches.  
  
Houston takes down the Agent behind the curtains first with his patented  
  
Houston Punches, and then looks up at the sniper that failed to hit him.  
  
"Now to knock you out of your perch, you bald eagle! CNN! NEWS TICKER!"  
  
Three lines with the latest news reports appear and tangle the Agent up  
  
on the rafters. Unable to keep his balance, he falls and Houston kicks him  
  
into the knocked over table that Hardy was still standing at. Hardy quickly  
  
gets out a pair of handcuffs, as does a security officer backstage for the  
  
one behind the curtains.  
  
"Nice job, Houston! We got us a couple of bufoons to interrogate! And the  
  
crowd thinks that your Cable Guy thing is funny!" Houston rubs the back of  
  
his head, and then poses triumphantly.  
  
"Yeah, well...it pays to know every TV show!"  
  
--------------------------------  
  
"Boss, you see the news?! There was Marduk Agents there! What if Sumisu  
  
saw ya?" A squat, fat guy wearing normal clothes colored black looks up at  
  
the humanoid figure from earlier. His aqua-green skin was scaled at all   
  
parts of his body except his face, which looked human enough...if it weren't  
  
for the bizarre color. He wore black, too, but the finest reptilian leather,  
  
pants adorned with deep zippered pockets and a small plain jacket of the same  
  
color. His chest clearly showed, a golden yellow chest and abdomen, as  
  
though he was some kind of cross-bred lizard-man and human. At his left hip,  
  
hanging on a metal hook, was a silver tube with a small dish at one end and a   
  
small button near the bottom. His hair was the same color as his   
  
pants, and his eyes were a puzzling olive green. He almost always either   
  
looked embarassed or uninterested about something. He looked uninterested   
  
now, though.  
  
"Like you need to worry about me? You forget three major things: One, I  
  
cannot be found unless I want to be found. Two, I can deal with anyone from  
  
Marduk Cult, even that scowling bastige Sumisu. Three...you seriously, uber-  
  
seriously...underestimate dragons. Especially me." The fat guy nods.  
  
"Ye-yes. The grace of Anu is with you, Boss, but...shouldn't you take less  
  
risk?" The humanoid dragon shakes his head.  
  
"No. There will be nothing more risky than my next move, Plamer." The fat  
  
guy looks up at his leader.  
  
"Wh-what move is that? Can the Author Dragon tell me?" He nods and turns  
  
on an internet terminal. The softwares that were used for server defense  
  
did nothing to the hacker, but did trace the chip signal back to the user of  
  
the terminal. She was a small blonde girl barely in her teens.  
  
"To recruit...Samus Aran." Plamer gasped.  
  
"M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-Master Katri! Please don't chase after her!" Katri flips  
  
a lock of his hair away from his eyes. He smiles at Plamer   
  
"I've already decided. Besides, Ridley survived her. What should mean that  
  
I can't?"  
  
"...Alright, s-sir. But you'd better hurry, Gemini is attacking her now."  
  
"WHAT?!" Katri disappears in a phase-out.  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
Houston parked his new antique car (which he bought with some of his 25000  
  
Credits earlier), a black T-bird, just outside the door to the stairway of  
  
the apartment complex that he lived at. He didn't notice the broken   
  
balconies until then, but didn't care. He slowly climbed the stairs, tired  
  
and unaware of what was going on, when Samus approached him with another  
  
person, who had to be the weirdest looking humanoid he'd seen.  
  
"Uh, Samus, where are you going?" Samus grabs his sleeve and tries to pull  
  
him.  
  
"We got no time! You might want to look into following me until things cool  
  
off around your place." Houston just goes 'wha' as Katri drags him and Samus  
  
away from the apartments to Houston's black T-Bird car. A click and whine  
  
noise behind them said only one thing. Schneider.  
  
"Hello, Samus. Thanks for luring out the Author Dragon for me."  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
(Yes, I know that Katri Mattrix is my author handle, but Katri is more than  
  
my author name. He is just as real to me as any other person, and he is  
  
indeed a dragon. I have liked to put him inside of at least one of my  
  
stories, but I haven't been able to put him in as a serious character. This  
  
is probably the first time that I can do it, and it won't be the last. I  
  
might just have an original fiction work with him in it...someday. I will  
  
not change a bit of his appearance or character, either. I like the way that  
  
he is already.  
  
BTW, Plamer is not a typo of Palmer, but a little letter twist.) 


End file.
